"Talk about the wrong stuff."With alternative top 100 lists floating around the internet (my own can be found here), and because listmaking is fun, I thought it might be interesting to go the other end of the spectrum and name the 100 absolute worst movies I've ever seen. So I decided to undertake such a task and I must say, the experience proved rather cathartic (I feel like I've exorcised a demon of some sort). These are not the movies that are "so bad, they're good." These are the ones that are just bad. These films are not only truly awful, they are actually painful to watch. These are the ones that arouse great anger inside of me when I even think about them. As Roger Ebert famously said, these are the movies that "I hated. I hated, hated, hated, hated, hated these movies." These are not guilty pleasures. These films are just guilty. Period.
Now, you may think that it's a complete waste of time for a person to list the worst movies he's ever seen and you'd be right, but it's minimal compared to the amount of time I wasted actually watching all of these debacles (or in some cases, thankfully, only a portion of them) and if I can prevent even one person out there from taking a chance on any one of these films, it will be worth it. Nevertheless, read ahead at your own risk. You might be reminded of moviegoing experiences that you desperately tried to wipe from your mind and if I happen to resurrect past traumas, I am not taking responsibility for it. You have been warned.
Incidentally, there is no ranking on this list. I did not agonize over how to arrange my picks. To riff on my friend Piper's words, the hundredth is just as worthy of contempt as the first (although whenever someone asks me what's the single worst film I've ever seen, I immediately respond with #1). The "order" is virtually random. I only numbered them so as to make sure I didn't exceeed my limit of 100 because God knows I could've easily kept going. If some of you happen to find a few of your personal favorite titles on this list, please know that my intent is not to offend. I'm just calling 'em as I see 'em, so if one of your "top 100" happens to be on my "bottom 100," you have my apologies... and my condolences.
100. John Carpenter's Vampires
99. Alien Resurrection
98. Lethal Weapon 4
97. Mrs. Winterbourne
96. Daredevil
95. Guess Who
94. Charlie's Angels
93. Scooby-Doo
92. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider
91. Godzilla (Roland Emmerich's)
90. Universal Soldier
89. Herbie Fully Loaded
88. Garfield
87. From Justin to Kelly
86. Plan 9 From Outer Space
85. The Cable Guy
84. The Wild, Wild West
83. Enemy of the State
82. Gone in 60 Seconds
81. Pearl Harbor
80. On Deadly Ground
79. Hostel
78. Deep Blue Sea
77. 1941
76. Pink Flamingos
75. Urban Legend
74. Superman IV: Quest for Peace
73. Monkeybone
72. The Ring
71. Poseidon
70. Serendipity
69. Monster-in-Law
68. Virtuosity
67. Clifford
66. Batman and Robin
65. I Know What You Did Last Summer
64. Jaws: the Revenge
63. Waterworld
62. Mac and Me
61. XXX: State of the Union
60. Rush Hour 2
59. Independence Day
58. Sphere
57. Toys
56. Heavyweights
55. Striking Distance
54. True Lies
53. Sleepers
52. Nobody's Fool (w/ Paul Newman)
51. Men in Black 2
50. Event Horizon
49. Hardball
48. The Fifth Element
47. EdTV
46. Caddyshack 2
45. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Ron Howard's)
44. Eight Crazy Nights
43. Mars Attacks
42. Jakob the Liar
41. Apt Pupil
40. Battlefield Earth
39. The First Wives Club
38. Natural Born Killers
37. Pocohontas
36. Spy Hard
35. The Wedding Planner
34. Jabberwocky
33. The League of Extraordinary Gentlmen
32. Beverly Hills Cop 3
31. Evolution
30. Hollywood Homicide
29. Ladder 49
28. Congo
27. Bio-Dome
26. Dreamcatcher
25. Mulan
24. Strange Days
23. Pirahna 2
22. Celebrity
21. Ali
20. The Bachelor
19. Dragonfly
18. The Postman
17. Mission to Mars
16. Dudley Do-Right
15. Hide and Seek
14. Joe vs. the Volcano
13. Me, Myself and Irene
12. Rock-a-Doodle
11. Matilda
10. Wrongfully Accused
9. The English Patient
8. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
7. Pleasantville
6. Small Soldiers
5. The Waterboy
4. Fantastic Four
3. Underworld
2. Zoolander
1. Armageddon
Runners up: (films I didn't think of until after I finished the list) Lady in the Water, Conspiracy Theory, Super Mario Bros., Topaz, Romeo + Juliet, Love's Labour's Lost, Howard the Duck, The Scarlet Letter, Casino Royale (1967), Legends of the Fall
32 comments:
How the hell are From Justin to Kelly, Rush Hour 2 and Hostel better than Mulan? HOW?
As I said in my post:
"Incidentally, there is no ranking on this list. I did not agonize over how to arrange my picks. To riff on my friend Piper's words, the hundredth is just as worthy of contempt as the first."
Though I can't say I agree with your #8, your list is surely filled with some terrible, terrible movies. Have you by any chance seen the Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore version of Fever Pitch? That is the only film where I have wanted my two hours back. I felt personally offended by this film, and I hope for your sake that you never see it.
There are indeed many terrible films in my list. I knew there was going to be disagreement on some of my picks, and I figured that Fear and Loathing would probably be one of them because I've found, since I started blogging, that there is a suprisingly large amount of people who love that film.
As for Fever Pitch... Well, believe it or not, Dan, I actually kind of liked that movie. Maybe it's just Barrymore. Her presence goes a long way towards making a bad movie watchable in my mind (probably the only reason I made it through Charlie's Angels). At any rate, I'd sooner watch that again than any of the other films I listed here.
Great idea, I think the common thread for a lot of these movies is that there is simply no reason for their existence. There's a handful on here I can defend, but none that would make my top 100. A few that keep me up at night with their wretchedness:
Alien Resurrection: I can only manage a few words before I start ghost-punching whoever directed this. It's hard enough when you have a story that is so FACTUALLY wrong (it would have helped if they had looked up DNA in the dictionary), but then you throw in the whole Alien Ripley garbage and the 20 minute underwater sequence and it reaches a rare level of awful.
Gone in 60 Seconds: How could they have screwed up such a simple, effective formula so much? Here's something they might have wanted to consider: conflict. When the police are letting them steal the cars, why do we care? Why even bother remaking it if you're going to cop-out with CGI on the big stunts?
Jaws IV: I think I could record a commentary track of me slinging mud at this movie. Remember, Michael Caine couldn't accept his Oscar because he was filming this. Sad.
Damian. I think I need to have words with you.
Joe vs. the Volcano is on this list. I realize that there is probably a reasonable explanation for this---like, perhaps you were just a bit confused. For a split second you thought you were still writing your TOP 100 list. Yes... that's it, I'm sure.
All I can say is... DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN AGAIN.
(P.S. You might not want to let anyone else in my family know. They might never speak to you again. :D)
Adam:
Actually I thought the underwater scene was the only good thing about the fourth Alien film. That almost belonged in a better movie.
Erin:
All I can do, Erin, is repeat what I originally said in my post:
"If some of you happen to find a few of your personal favorite titles on this list, please know that my intent is not to offend. I'm just calling 'em as I see 'em, so if one of your 'top 100' happens to be on my 'bottom 100,' you have my apologies... and my condolences."
As fas as your family goes, I won't tell them if you won't. :)
I too am going to do this for you have inspired me.
But how could you?
True Lies?
Joe Vs. The Volcano?
Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas?
And how do you like when no one actually reads your post where you say you haven't ranked them and then someone, oh like j.d. asks you how the hell you could rank something above something.
Everyone thinks I've ranked The Thing as my number one movie ever.
The underwater scene is for sure a visual stunner, it's just the fact that they're in the water for like 10 minutes and repeatedly scream -- it stretches my suspension of disbelief a little too far.
I take issue with two movies. Call me crazy, but I like Congo and Deep Blue Sea. I don't know, maybe I just have a thing for B-movies with creatures dismembering people. Anyway, I think they both capture a "bad" spirit, but that is precisely what I like about them. I think there is an art to the B-movie, and part of that art is making the "bad"... good.
I love the list though; some real beauties on there.
Piper:
I'll admit it can be a little discouraging when you try to make something clear in your post and the very misconception you were hoping to avoid ends up happening anyway.
How could I dislike those films? It wasn't so hard. In a way the filmmakers did all the work for me. ;)
Mociezzz:
Joe vs. the Volcano is another one of those films (like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas) that I just don't understand the appeal of. I didn't even know anybody liked these films (or could like these films) until I discovered the internet.
And yes, I'm referring to the Paul Newman Nobody's Fool.
Ted:
I absolutely agree with you about the spirit of "bad" B-movies and there are a number of them that I myself quite like. These two just didn't do anything for me at all. Sorry.
As I look at your list Damian it strikes me that many of the films you pick are not there merely because they are bad films, but because they seem to promise so much more than they deliver and therefore are also big disapointments. I say this because there are many more films that could be on your list, but why include them when the filmmakers had no intention of creating anything of value in the first place. For example: possibly The Postman could have been great if the filmmakers had not so thoroughly blown it.
Sorry, Dude, I thought Pleasantville was one of the better films from that year.
Kudos for putting Strange Days on there, however. What a pretentious piece of shit that one was...
Sure enough, my "Top 100" would include a title in your "Bottom 100": Pleasantville. As well as a title from your runners-up: Romeo + Juliet.
And what's not to like about The English Patient?
But aside from a few exceptions, it's a pretty wretched collection of movies.
Did you really have watch all of those? If so, my condolences.
Great list, Damian. You included a lot of films made by talented filmmakers, with A-list casts that completely missed the mark.
No Pearl Harbor? No Four Rooms? Hook? Showgirls? Where's the recognition for Stallone?
You gotta let Mac and Me slide though. Unless you can admit you went in thinking it might actually be as good as E.T..
Jeff:
The problems I have with Pleasantville are actually more ideological than aesthetic. I think Chocolat did a much better (and more consistent) job developing the same themes that were introduced in Pleasantville.
But yeah, Strange Days was garbage.
Akrizman:
See my above comments regarding Pleasantville.
Romeo + Juliet is a film that I absolutely despised when it first came out but have slightly softened toward over time (which is why I relegated it to the runners-up list). I still think it's a virtual rape of Shakespeare's text and much prefer the earlier Zefferelli version to it, but I admit that it does have some intriguing elements and it seemed to speak to a whole generation of teens... just not MY generation.
And what's not to like about The English Patient?
The fact that it won Best Picture over Fargo that year. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that.
The only films on that list that I didn't watch in their entirety were Eight Crazy Nights, Monkeybone and Battlefield Earth. I managed to save myself after about 20 minutes of each of those. I also tried on two separate occasions to watch the original Casino Royale and The Scarlet Letter but made it no further than the halfway makr on each. Life's just too short.
Joe:
Pearl Harbor's on there.
Four Rooms is a movie with two awful rooms, one mediocre room and one good room (as well as a clever opening credit sequence). Plus, I have to admit that I actually kind of like the movie so I didn't have the heart to include it.
Hook is certainy a disappointment but I don't think it's a terrible film (as, I would argue, Spielberg's 1941 is).
Showgirls I haven't seen.
As far Stallone movies, I would never presume a movie is bad based solely on its actor... unless that actor happens to be Pauly Shore.
You gotta let Mac and Me slide though. Unless you can admit you went in thinking it might actually be as good as E.T.
This says it all I think.
Thanks for that link to the "Mac and Me" clips Damian. I love near the end of the dancing in MacDonald's scene where the older brother is yelling at the evil government guys "Feel the love!". I think you guys are being way too mean over this movie...A "portion" of all proceeds went to Ronald MacDonald's House - won't you think of the children?
I too was a bit surprised to find Pleasantville and Fear And Loathing on your bottom 100. The Dave Brubeck "Take 5" scene, Joan Allen's orgasmic bath scene and pretty much every scene William H. Macy was in make Pleasantville a pretty darn good film in my book. But I suppose that's just me...
I agree with "Mulan" though. Yuck.
Also, if I had made my own list a few weeks ago, I probably would've put "True Lies" on it as well. I hated that film. But recently I've been reading a few posts (on Home Theatre Forum) that mentioned the film as a satire of the 80s action films. I'd have to see it again in order to decide whether I missed that or whether it's revisionism. Either way, I don't know if I can stand to watch that Jamie Lee Curtis dance scene again...
"Romeo + Juliet is a film that I absolutely despised... I still think it's a virtual rape of Shakespeare's text and much prefer the earlier Zefferelli version to it"
I can understand that. I see from your profile that you're a classics and theater guy, so I can see how it would seem like a "dumbing down" of Shakespeare. It would be like suggesting Tiffany's version of "He Was Just 17" as a good introduction to The Beatles.
"The fact that [The English Patient] won Best Picture over Fargo that year. I'm still trying to wrap my head around that."
I know what you mean; I still hold a grudge against "Out Of Africa" for no reason other than I love "The Color Purple".
"Life's just too short."
I hear that. I think "Batman and Robin" was the movie that made me first realize that there are too many great movies to waste my time on these hyped-up jobs that I know probably suck before I buy my ticket. In that sense, I guess I should be grateful to that movie because it saved me from being suckered into Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, The Matrix sequels, etc.
A "portion" of all proceeds went to Ronald MacDonald's House - won't you think of the children?
Dirty money, Bob. It's dirty money. :)
I agree with the placement of The English Patient. God, that movie was awful.
I guess I was in the generation of teenagers that Romeo + Juliet spoke to. I saw it six times in the theater when I say it (granted, I was sixteen at the time, but I still have a huge soft spot for it).
The one I take issue with, and yet understand completely, is The Fifth Element. I love this movie. Chris Tucker's performance is enough to turn anyone off to the whole thing, but for some reason I'm able to completely ignore it (maybe it's Milla's outfit that does the trick).
An okay list (although I would go to certain lengths to defend movies like "Pleasantville", "Nobody's Fool", "True Lies", "Deep Blue Sea", "Small Soldiers", "Alien Resurrection" - actually about the only Jeunet film I'd care to defend at all - and "EdTV", which is by no means what you'd call a good film, but still far better than the solemn, pretentious mess of the somewhat like-minded "Truman Show"), still, it feels like a bit of a cop-out to me. I mean, isn't it pretty easy (and comfortable) to slag truly awful crap like "Armageddon" (or just about any Michael Bay opus), "Dreamcatcher" or, yes, "The English Patient" (or just about any Anthony Minghella masterpiece; btw, where's "Cold Mountain"?) and completely exclude loads of absurdly overblown, execrable ersatz arthouse fare like "The Hours", "The Piano", "Hollywood Ending" or the great failures by allegedly great directors, like, say, Bergman's "The Serpent's Egg", Tarkovsky's "The Sacrifice" or even Truffaut's "Woman Next Door"? How about "The Downfall", "Amélie", or "Les amants du Pont-Neuf" (all more or less within the time frame you chose; there's an awful lot of clinkers made before the 70s, of course)? And finally, where's one of the worst - if not thee worst - movie I've seen in a long time, namely Lee Tamahori's "Next"?
Jam of Revenge:
Perhaps one of the reasons whay my list contains a number of "easy targets" is that over time I've managed to develop a relatively accurate sense of knowing whether a film is going to completely suck before I even see it (granted, I've been wrong many times, but I've been right more often than not) such that I've managed to avoid a lot of stinkers. Many of the titles that you mention I have yet to see. Some of them I have indeed watched but found they had enough redeeming value so as to not qualify as "one of the worst films I've ever seen" and a few of the films you bring up I actually consider great works of art.
At any rate, I knew there were going to be disagreements with my list, but there's that old saying that goes something like "The only way to really answer a movie... is to make another movie." So, if you think there are far worse titles that should be included in such a list, then perhaps you should respond by making a list of your own. I'd certainly be interested to see which films you select.
I've been keeping a record of every film I see for several years now, how I've ranked them and other details. With successive years, I have tried to increase my average score for films in a year by being more selective about the films I see. Regrettably, I've seen too many of the titles in your list.
For what it's worth, while none of the following would make it into my top 100, I thought they weren't too bad:
- The Ring (reasonable horror, as someone who's not into horror)
- Toys (good kids flick)
- True Lies (one of Arnie's better films, IMO)
- Mars Attacks (but I love Burton's work)
- Natural Born Killers (not everyone's taste, I know)
- Matilda (good kids flick)
- Pleasantville (interesting, I thought)
In answer to Jam on Revenge,
I would have to say that a bottom 100 is not an easy list. I tried putting mine together and I only came up with about 30 or 40. And that's because it's hard for me to really hate a movie: to find it devoid of anything that's worth remembering or looking back at fondly. Because I love movies so much, it is hard for me to completely dismiss a movie.
And I would say that a brilliant failure does not qualify as an awful movie. The Hours may not be a great movie, or as great as everyone thought it would be or was, but it certainly wasn't an awful movie.
And I would never, ever put the Piano with the likes of Armageddon. It may have been overblown by critics and maybe even by yourself Jam on Revenge, but that doesn't make it an awful movie.
Damian, it is your list (one that I don't completely agree with) and I would say it is not an easy list. I would argue that it may take more thought for the bottom 100 than it does the top 100.
And somebody please tell me what qualifies a good "bottom 100" list. I ask Jam on Revenge to please provide a 'good' one.
Well, I can speak only for myself but my bottom 100 was very easy to compile. Perhaps because I've been keeping somewhat of a mental list of bad movies as I've been going along. As I said, these are not the movies that I just dislike, these are the movies I passionately hate. Not that some of them don't have their redeeming qualities, but not enough to save them in my eyes.
I think it's great that you have a hard time actually hating a movie, Piper. In a way I envy that because I used to be like that myself. It once was the case that I never met a movie I didn't like, but alas the more movies I watched the harder it was to maintain that attitude. For me, those days are gone now. I do still try, whenever I watch a movie, to see the good in it ("glass is half full" and all that) but sometimes it's just too damn hard.
And I agree with you that a good film which has been overblown or overrated by critics does not qualify as an awful movie. I haven't seen The Piano yet but I would much sooner watch that than any Michael Bay debacle. I tend to feel that it is far better to reach for greatness and fail than aim for mediocrity and succeed.
Oops, I should've known my comment would cause some "controversy", though that wasn't my intention. Actually, I'm the first to admit that putting together a Bottom-of-the-Barrel list isn't an easy task (which, among other, more mundane reasons is why I probably won't put myself to it). I was simply arguing that slagging cinematic drek such as "XXX2" is like butchering a Mariah Carey or Bon Jovi album - basically everybody agrees that it's crap, so why bother?
My view was a strictly personal one (and had nothing to do with a film being overpraised by critics): Just like Piper, I usually have a hard time hating a movie just because it's bad (as in Michael-Bay- or, say, Tom-Shadyac-bad); in most cases, I know what to expect anyway and will give it a pretty wide berth (I actually haven't seen a lot of the stuff on Damian's list and wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole). What does infuriate me, though - and can make me hate it with a passion - is, in fact, a film like "The Hours" which, while not necessarily technically inept or meeting the usual citeria of "bad" in any superficial way, I found to be so cliché-ridden, so incredibly dumb and full of itself in its own, immensely heavy-handed, artsy-fartsy solemnity and pretension (not to mention the fact that some of the acting was plain ridiculous and that film probably has the worst score slapped onto virtually any movie I can think of) that I felt really - and deeply - offended, so much, in fact, that I would've loved to kick everybody involved. So, by all means, I'd maintain that it's "an awful movie" if ever there was one.
On the other hand, an obviously "bad" movie can be thoroughly entertaining and suspend my disbelief in such a way that I simply don't care if the DNA thing in "Alien Resurrection" was nonsense - for me, it delivered anyhow, and I certainly found it the most enjoyable of all Jean-Pierre Jeunet films, simply because it's pretty much devoid of his usual, oh-so-clever trickery.
As for European films, we probably see those films with completely different eyes. Being German, I was quite startled to see that American critics so readily embraced "The Downfall" (as they tend to do with German films that deal with Nazis or Stasi officers, otherwise well-meant tripe such as "Sophie Scholl", "The Lives of Ohtes" or even Schlöndorff's incredibly ugly "The Tin Drum" wouldn't have been able to win Oscars for best foreign film), which I thought was not only mind-numbingly boring, but most of all downright offensive (not to mention that it was much too brightly lit, had lots of clumsy, stilted dialog and featured exactly the same 50 overused mugs that can be seen on German TV virtually every day) in its "human" approach to Hitler (a ridiculously hammy performance by Ganz) and his cronies and, most of all, its wallowing in their nastiness - the scene in which Magda Goebbels kills her children has a "pornographic" quality to it that makes it virtually indefensible.
But Im starting to ramble, so the muck stops here. ;)
Don't worry, Jam. Your comments weren't that controversial. As for "calling out" movies like Pearl Harbor and XXX2, you're right in that most people pretty much agree that they're abominable movies. They also happen to be among the worst films I've ever seen (which, after all, was the intent behind this list) and sometimes you just gotta "call a spade a spade." Anyway, thanks for the feedback. Here's hoping we can both avoid seeing too many awful films in the future.
Jam,
Just a good conversation. Not seen as controversial at all.
You're right about easy targets. In trying to create my bottom 100, I found myself listing movies that I hadn't really seen but knew they were bad anyways (Baby Geniuses anyone?). It wasn't personal for me anymore which is why I just ended up creating a list of 10.
And Jam you are right that overblown pretension is bad in movies. A movie that feels that it is much more important than it is, is grounds for hate. Not sure I would say that makes it awful, but again it's your opinion, not mine.
Damian, you got me thinking about this longer than I thought possible. I had a look at my database of films viewed and came up with 67 stinkers (ones that got less than 2 out of 5 stars). They are in no particular order except Baise-moi and Hard Candy, the only films I've given zero to. Baise-moi is the worst and has no redeeming features at all. Marketed as gutsy arthouse, it's just a cheap porno flick. Hard Candy follows close behind as a really poorly conceived and executed attempt.
The greatest concentration of stinkers for me were around the end of the 90's. Enjoy!
The Rock
Assassins
Father of the Bride II
Heat
Dante's Peak
Gingerbread Man
Mercury Rising
Flubber
Disturbing Behaviour
Wild Wild West
Lake Placid
8MM
200 Cigarettes
Mr. Nice Guy
The Mummy
10 Things I Hate About You
Two Hands
Entrapment
Thomas Crown Affair
You've Got Mail
Payback
She's All That
American Pie
Holy Smoke
Final Destination
Dogma
Romeo Must Die
Mission Impossible 2
Hollow Man
Bowfinger
Eye of the Beholder
Risk
The Mummy Returns
Sword Fish
Anatomie
Chocolat
Russian Doll
Baise Moi
Roadkill
The Hard Word
Dirty Deeds
Die Another Day
Possession
Chicago
Looney Tunes
Dreamcatcher
The Recruit
Visitors
Mean Girls
Scarface
Cold Mountain
Collateral
36 Quai Des Orfevres
Peaches
Hard Candy
Pine Flat
Casanova
Tough Enough
Stories of Disenchanment
Solo
Happy Feet
Il Mio Miglior Nemico (My Best Enemy)
Mariposa negra (Black Butterfly)
Dream Girls
Le lièvre de Vatanen (The Year of the Hare)
Prête-moi ta main (I Do: How to Get Married and Stay Single)
Evenings on a Farm Near Dikanka
You'll notice I have Dreamcatcher and Wild Wild West on my list too, Paul. Oh, and good call on Flubber! My God, that movie was awful. How could I possibly forget it?
Anyway, thanks for the list. You've got some real stinkers on there. Several of them I have not seen (and don't plan to), some of them I have seen (unfortunately) and didn't care for, many of them I agree are bad but I still sort of enjoyed them and a few of them (I won't say which ones because I'm not really looking for an argument) I actually think are quite good, perhaps even great, movies... but that's the thing about these lists: there's always going to be disagreements. No two cinephiles are the same so no two best/worst lists will be the same either. I know many people disagree with numerous titles on my list as well. That's just what adds variety. How dull the world would be if we were all the same.
Again, thanks for taking the time to compile and post the list. I hope it was somewhat cathartic for you too. After finishing mine I felt like I had just passed a large kidney stone. :)
I thought The Ring was kind of scary.
I agree with the others clunkers- the ones I've seen anyway.
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